Denny's Birthday Gift From His Fat, Fat Wife

My boss, rather everyone's boss here at Sony BMG, was a casualty of the layoffs last week.

He was not a great boss, and not a hard worker.

He did provide us all with some fantastic stories. Stories that I don't want to forget. Stories that, when read, will make you laugh and cringe.

These stories might remind you of the Office on NBC. If you haven't seen the Office, you're not missing much. Maybe I say that because I don't need the Office. I have my own ridiculous / obscene office stories. Maybe, with the absence of this source, I'll have to start watching.

I'll be relaying stories about my ex-boss on a regular basis, as I remember them, but only one at a time. No need to rush the brilliance that is / was Denny.

Here is a jem, one of the most recent, and one of the best. I had the thought to start in the middle. Promise the best story later. But they are all good.

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Denny has a skinny wife. So skinny we secretly call her Skeletor. I was never good at keeping secrets.

She's nice enough, but controlled by Denny. He watches what she eats, makes her exercise, and let's everyone know that he's the man by yelling at her, over the phone, in the middle of meetings.

So it was Denny's birthday. It was before the last two layoffs, so the lunch room was packed (10 people) and most of us were playing Uno. The gamers were sitting at a different table, having a different conversation when he interrupted. He wanted to tell us about one of his birthday gifts. Who knows, maybe it was his only birthday gift. I hadn't gotten him anything.

He spoke to the entire lunch room and proceeded to tell us all about this gift. He also wanted to make sure that we all knew he had not asked for it. That his wife had done it all on her own. He also wanted all of us to know, before the reveal, that it was one of the best gifts he has ever received from her.

His wife had joined a gym, to get back in shape for him, as a birthday gift.

Getting yourself a gift, as a gift for someone else, is lame. That's like me telling the lady that I got myself a subscription to Newsweek so I could be up to date, on current events, and thus be a better conversationalist over dinner, for her benefit.

Let's break this down, in an attempt to (forgive me) get inside Denny's head.

First, his wife is not fat, she is really trim. Second, he thinks this is a great gift. I think it takes a certain kind of ugly to think this way. Another type of ugly to want to share this with people.

Levels of Wrong:
1) Thinking this way is horrible
2) Sharing it with even one person is disgusting
3) Sharing it with a group of your peers is embarrassing
4) Interrupting all lunchtime conversation (at work) and sharing it with 10 of your underlings (mixed company) is just plain startling

How is this acceptable conversation, in the work place or otherwise?

People let out little laughs, dropped their jaws, and gave each other sly amused / outraged looks. What do you say to your boss? The guy who decides how good or bad your raise will be? I'll tell you: Nothing.

One of the best gifts he's ever received.